How to deal with the end of service? Who would of thought it was something to deal with in the first place?
For each person it is a really truly different affair. But then, there are some very shared experiences.
Why?
First of all, we all feel differently about our services. For example, some people from my group are extending another year. I wouldn't do that in a million years. That is a wide gap of sentiment.
I'm proud that I finished the Peace Corps and I feel ready to move on with the next phase of my life. At the same time, however, the next phase of my life is hazy, nebulous, and in every way unclear. I don't know what will happen when I come home. By the time I get "home" (where is home now, anyways?) I will have spent 2.5 years outside the states. I hear things all the time regarding the economy, but I need to join it. What will that be like during the post-recession? I just don't know. People always ask, "What do you want to do?", but I'm afraid its more of a question of "what can I do?". As in, what jobs are actually out there?
I'll have to start over, find a place to live, and make new connections. I'll be doing this in a new way too...not as one person, but as two. I'm engaged. What does it mean to be engaged in the states? I'm sure it is a culturally different experience than in the Peace Corps.
So much awaits.
On the one hand I can't wait to leave. On the other hand I have no idea how to say goodbye. After all, when the hell would I ever be back in Azerbaijan? And all these people I've served with...will I ever see them again? Maybe, but certainly not all together like this. Also, the logistics of literally how to say goodbye to people is difficult. We all leave at different times from all over the country over the span of a month. When I see a person this week is this goodbye for good or not? I don't know? It might be. So do I say bye now or not?
Also, the AZ 7s (the group that has been here one year, but has one more year to go) are rather ready for us to go and for the new volunteers (AZ 8, in training, not at site yet) to be placed around the country. They want the new meat. It isn't fun having to hear about all the excitement for people I'll never meet. In the same way, the AZ 7s are tired of hearing about our extensive post-service travel plans etc.
All and all, I guess you could say I'm just ready to move on. I want to be sure to say bye to the people I care about and to take a last gander. However, it doesn't really feel like a celebration. I'm really grateful that I will be traveling with some PC friends post service so we can smile together and look back.
--PS: after reading this I've come to realize I no longer know how to properly speak English.
Friday, November 5, 2010
the last set from ming
as you can see, some of these paintings were an experiment with something new for me. Now, the question is how do I get all of these home?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
granted
Good news on the grant front: No one was using the newly constructed school and the new English Language Resource Center in this school until the President of Azerbaijan cut the ribbon. Luckily, this day FINALLY came this past week. Kids are in their new school, resources are being used, and the final part of my evaluation and monitoring process can begin. I thought there was a possibility that this new school wouldn't get utilized until 2011, but I was wrong. Yay! After all, the school was originally set to open in May.
Monday, October 11, 2010
roof cat
I have a cat that lives on my roof. It doesn't want to be my friend, but wants to talk to me sometimes. I've come to realize the cat specifically comes to my section of the apartment building roof when it needs me to open the trap door that leads to the roof. If I don't open the trap door, this crazy cat will walk around the roof for days meowing. If I hear the roof cat and go to me porch to say "what do you want roof cat", the crazy black and white cat looks at me, upside down from the roof, and meows in my direction for about 20 seconds and then leaves. I've tried to save the roof cat, but it runs away from me every time. Oh roof cat. Why?
--yes, this is evidence that Peace Corps Volunteers go a little crazy after two years. But, the roof cat is even crazier than me. I swear.
--yes, this is evidence that Peace Corps Volunteers go a little crazy after two years. But, the roof cat is even crazier than me. I swear.
Monday, October 4, 2010
pre-mature nostalgia...just a little
nostalgia actually hit me in some forms today. I kept waiting for this to happen. We had our end of service conference quite some time ago and nothing at that conference seemed pertinent. It was, for me, premature. I've been counting down the days to departure (I still am), but the realization that this experience will end is hitting me...in some little ways.
First was buying my first nar of the season. Nar is pomegranite. Nar is a lot easier to say than pomegranite. Anyways, the nars in Azerbaijan are somehow better than the ones in the US. I'm not just saying that now because I'm leaving. This was actually one of the first things AZ PCVs notice when they get to country. We arrive in the late fall, in other words the beginning of nar season. Its almost like we don't know how to eat nar in the states. But, part of it is that the nar skin is thicker in the states and the fruit juice seeds seem farther and fewer between. Maybe not. Maybe I am just thinking this way because I'm leaving soon! I'll never know, because by the time I eat a nar next fall too much time will of elapsed. So, I bought this nar and thought to myself: this could be the last nar I buy in AZ. This is my third fall season in AZ...so it felt like the beginning to the end.
Also, just now I walked out of my apartment and a realization dawned on me. It is hard to describe, but my time in AZ will never seem real again. When I leave, when I go home, this experience will become something only myself and other AZ PCVs could possibly understand. The way this nation functions, looks, smells, acts, etc. is something you don't read about in the news, see in films, or hear about from others. People in the US don't even know that AZ exists. So this whole two year experience will probably seem like suspended time...like two years that never existed. I'll go home and all the people I know here and all the stories I have will solely be onto myself like as if I dreamed it the night before. There is something phenomenal about that...and something strange. When an experience is isolated it can get distorted. We choose to remember some things and forget others. The narrative shifts over time and in thirty years...what in the world will this 27 month span seem like to me? Will I remember how many times I wished for nothing other than to leave? Will I remember all the times I knew how lucky I was to experience something so rare, hidden, and challenging? Yes and no because life keeps happening and I'll keep focusing on current life events. What moments in my future will stop me in my place and remind me of Azerbaijan? I have no idea.
These two years, in many ways, have lasted an eternity. When a PCV arrives in country they have few luxuries beyond time. That is, time is our luxury. We've got nothing but unending time. When the time runs out (and it seems like it never will), it is strange to realize that my one luxury, the one thing I never had to worry about losing, is actually coming to an end. It isn't sad or happy. Ok, well...right now it is a little happy. But it is mind boggling. What did I actually do with my two years? We all assume that if we were in certain scenarios we would act a certain way and accomplish certain things. Well, I actually jumped off the building and joined PC...and what did I actually do? What were my experiences? What have I learned? I can definitely answer a lot of these questions right now, but I have a feeling I won't really be able to fully answer them for a while longer.
First was buying my first nar of the season. Nar is pomegranite. Nar is a lot easier to say than pomegranite. Anyways, the nars in Azerbaijan are somehow better than the ones in the US. I'm not just saying that now because I'm leaving. This was actually one of the first things AZ PCVs notice when they get to country. We arrive in the late fall, in other words the beginning of nar season. Its almost like we don't know how to eat nar in the states. But, part of it is that the nar skin is thicker in the states and the fruit juice seeds seem farther and fewer between. Maybe not. Maybe I am just thinking this way because I'm leaving soon! I'll never know, because by the time I eat a nar next fall too much time will of elapsed. So, I bought this nar and thought to myself: this could be the last nar I buy in AZ. This is my third fall season in AZ...so it felt like the beginning to the end.
Also, just now I walked out of my apartment and a realization dawned on me. It is hard to describe, but my time in AZ will never seem real again. When I leave, when I go home, this experience will become something only myself and other AZ PCVs could possibly understand. The way this nation functions, looks, smells, acts, etc. is something you don't read about in the news, see in films, or hear about from others. People in the US don't even know that AZ exists. So this whole two year experience will probably seem like suspended time...like two years that never existed. I'll go home and all the people I know here and all the stories I have will solely be onto myself like as if I dreamed it the night before. There is something phenomenal about that...and something strange. When an experience is isolated it can get distorted. We choose to remember some things and forget others. The narrative shifts over time and in thirty years...what in the world will this 27 month span seem like to me? Will I remember how many times I wished for nothing other than to leave? Will I remember all the times I knew how lucky I was to experience something so rare, hidden, and challenging? Yes and no because life keeps happening and I'll keep focusing on current life events. What moments in my future will stop me in my place and remind me of Azerbaijan? I have no idea.
These two years, in many ways, have lasted an eternity. When a PCV arrives in country they have few luxuries beyond time. That is, time is our luxury. We've got nothing but unending time. When the time runs out (and it seems like it never will), it is strange to realize that my one luxury, the one thing I never had to worry about losing, is actually coming to an end. It isn't sad or happy. Ok, well...right now it is a little happy. But it is mind boggling. What did I actually do with my two years? We all assume that if we were in certain scenarios we would act a certain way and accomplish certain things. Well, I actually jumped off the building and joined PC...and what did I actually do? What were my experiences? What have I learned? I can definitely answer a lot of these questions right now, but I have a feeling I won't really be able to fully answer them for a while longer.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Waiting Game
My grant is basically finished. I keep postponing a blog about that because I want to take pictures of the room and post them...but I keep forgetting my camera. Hopefully I will get to that tomorrow.
I have 7 weeks left in the Peace Corps. I'm still working and embarking on new projects, but this mostly feels like a waiting game. I'm meeting with teachers and working with them on teaching skills and Mingechevir is now home to a UEFA grassroots soccer team that I will help with beginning tomorrow. This latter project is rather exciting because all the infrastructure for an actual girls team is already in place. All they need is a helper. I would like to add that it is amazing that UEFA has put this program in place. Very impressive.
Right now I am studying for the FSOT (Foreign Service Officer's Test). I will be taking it on Oct. 6 and I really don't know whether or not I've adequately prepared for it. It is isn't one of those tests you can get a lot information on. To study for it I am studying US History, current events, and sometimes I study basic economics. We'll see. It will be good practice nonetheless.
I've also painted about a billion new paintings. I'll put those up soon. But, these last two months are sort of brutal. Generally my group is ready to leave. We feel it. We've been here for over two years now and, well, the time has come. Hence, the waiting game.
I have 7 weeks left in the Peace Corps. I'm still working and embarking on new projects, but this mostly feels like a waiting game. I'm meeting with teachers and working with them on teaching skills and Mingechevir is now home to a UEFA grassroots soccer team that I will help with beginning tomorrow. This latter project is rather exciting because all the infrastructure for an actual girls team is already in place. All they need is a helper. I would like to add that it is amazing that UEFA has put this program in place. Very impressive.
Right now I am studying for the FSOT (Foreign Service Officer's Test). I will be taking it on Oct. 6 and I really don't know whether or not I've adequately prepared for it. It is isn't one of those tests you can get a lot information on. To study for it I am studying US History, current events, and sometimes I study basic economics. We'll see. It will be good practice nonetheless.
I've also painted about a billion new paintings. I'll put those up soon. But, these last two months are sort of brutal. Generally my group is ready to leave. We feel it. We've been here for over two years now and, well, the time has come. Hence, the waiting game.
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